NARRATOR: Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages. Today we bring you a reenactment of a piece of history of The Dalles – the trial for the robbery of the Wheeler Stage and the shooting of its driver by the outlaw Barry Wey. This reenactment is “based on true events,” which means there are only a few grains of truth in it with the rest made up for entertainment’s sake. However, the named characters portrayed actually lived and were a part of The Dalles’ history. As a courtesy to the audience, please turn off your cell phones and fight the urge to text or twitter – violators will be shot on site or hung by the neck at either sundown or dawn or shortly after the show. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. (Exits)

(Enter the Bailiff, the Court Transcriptionist, the Prosecutor (Victor Trevitt), and Sheriff John A. Sims and the Defense Attorney (Joshua Sparks), and Defendant Barry Wey. The Prosecutor and Sheriff, John S. Sims, go to one side of the table and sit together; the Defense Attorney and Defendant sit at the other side. The attorneys sit on the ends of the table. The Transcriptionist sits at a small table and spends the rest of the play writing on the paper on their table to record the proceedings –she has no dialogue to speak of but is free to emote. The Bailiff walks next to the witness stand, bangs a gavel and says -)

BAILIFF: ALL RISE. OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ. THE COURT OF THE NEW STATE OF OREGON, COUNTY OF WASCO, MUNICIPALITY OF DALLES CITY IS NOW IN SESSION, JUDGE ORLANDO HUMASON PRESIDING. DRAW NIGH, GIVE ATTENTION AND YE SHALL BE HEARD. GOD SAVE THIS COURT, THIS STATE AND PROBABLY THE DEFENDANT. (If anyone sits before the judge allows them to be seated, the Bailiff will temporarily stop the preceding and tell those sitting to rise until the Judge allows them to sit. )

(Enter Judge, a Judge Roy Bean type of character. He comes to bench, approaches his seat and removes the pistol in his belt and places it on the bench. He reaches behind him, draws a large knife from a hidden sheath and sticks it into a block of wood/cork/ flower pot on the bench. He sits. There is an awkward pause.)

BAILIFF: Uh- your honor? (motions with his head towards the audience.)

JUDGE: Hmmm?

BAILIFF: Uh – your honor? (motions with his head again and winks noticeably.)

 JUDGE: What?

BAILIFF: Uhhhh. (motions with head, winks and points thumb to audience.)

JUDGE: You got laryngitis? The palsy in your neck and eye? Speak up!

BAILIFF: (stage whisper). They’re still standing.

JUDGE: Huh? By God they are! Why didn’t you say something? (clears throat) YOU MAY BE SEATED. Now Bailiff, what is on this court’s docket today?

BAILIFF: This is the criminal the case of State versus Barry Wey. Defendant Wey is accused of the robbery of the Wheeler Stage Line yesterday, the 19 th the day of September, 1859. The State is being represented by Prosecutor Victor Trevitt, and defendant Wey has retained the services of the barely educated Joshua Sparks.

JUDGE: The stage was robbed today? That’s a serious matter - it’s punishable by death by hanging. Alright, let’s empanel a jury?

SPARKS: (stands) Defendant Barry Wey waives his right to jury and trusts in the wisdom and mercy of this Court.

JUDGE: This should be interesting, if not entertaining. Let’s get started pronto. Mr. Prosecutor, do you have an opening statement?

PROSECUTOR: Yes your honor.

JUDGE: Get on with it!

TREVITT: Yes your honor. (speaks to the Judge but plays to the audience as if they were the jury) Your honor, this is a grave matter and is probably the crime of the century! Well, it’s; it’s probably the crime of the year – no, no, no, well absolutely maybe the crime of the month! Now wait, we had the bank robbery, the stabbing, the shooting, the beating, some minor card cheating – alright, this is definitely the crime of the week! The State accuses defendant, Barry Wey with the offense of highway robbery, theft of a large sum of currency and dry goods from the Wheeler Stage Line as well as the attempted murder of its owner and stage driver, Henry H. Wheeler. The State will prove beyond a reasonable doubt, beyond all doubt, that this man (points to Wey) is the dastardly, low down, thieving culprit who robbed the stage as well as shot Wheeler in the face at point blank range causing serious bodily injury. After this Court has heard the State’s evidence – the testimonies of Sheriff John A. Sims, the victim, Henry H. Wheeler, Miss Eliza Grant and the

Right Reverend William Tenney - the Prosecution submits that this Court will find, must find Wey guilty of the offenses as charged.

JUDGE: Thank you. Does the Defense wish to make an opening statement, and I think you better.

SPARKS: The defense reserves the right to make the opening statement at the beginning of its case.

JUDGE: Drat! Alright Mister Prosecutor, you may call your first witness.

TREVITT: The State calls Sheriff John A. Sims!

(Sims walks up to the Bailiff who is standing by the witness stand with a bible in his hand.)

BAILIFF: Place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand. (Sheriff complies) Do you promise to tell the, uhh, the uhhh… darn, I had it on the tip of my tongue!

SHERIFF: Truth?

BAILIFF: Truth, yeah, that’s it. Thanks. Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, uhhh, oh not again, uhhh …?

SHERIFF: God?

BAILIFF: Darn it, did it again – so help you God?

SHERIFF: I do.

BAILIFF: Take the stand.

TREVITT: (stands and approaches the witness box) Please state your name for the Court.

SHERIFF: Sheriff John A. Sims.

TREVITT: Are you the Sheriff of the County of Wasco?

SHERIFF: Yes.

TREVITT: And earlier today did you arrest THAT MAN (points to the defense table) for the robbery of the Wheeler Stage Line?

SHERIFF: The defense attorney?

TREVITT: NO, NO, NO, the man next to him, that man, Barry Wey.

SHERIFF: Yes.

TREVITT: Did you find evidence of the with Defendant Wey?

SHERIFF: Yes.

TREVITT: So you did find evidence on him?

SHERIFF: I just said that.

TREVITT: Did you arrest him for any other offenses?

SHERIFF: Yeah.

TREVITT: Was that for the crime of the attempted felonious attempted murder of the victim, Henry H. Wheeler?

SHERIFF: Yes.

TREVITT: What evidence did you have to base this performance of your lawful duties?

SHERIFF: Mr. Wheeler told me Barry Wey shot him.

TREVITT: So Mr. Wheeler identified Wey as the man who shot him?

SHERIFF: Like I just said, counselor, Wheeler said Wey shot him – are you hard of hearing?

TREVITT: (tugs his right ear) Huh? What did you just say?

SHERIFF: (Yelling) I JUST TOLD YOU THAT WHEELER SAID WEY SHOT HIM!

TREVITT: (smiling) Thank you. Your witness counsel. (sits)

SPARKS: Good afternoon, Sheriff Sims.

SHERIFF: ‘afternoon.

SPARKS: Let’s get to it now shall we? You concluded my client robbed the stage. (Dramatically as if having an ah-hah moment) BUT YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT, DID YOU?

SHERIFF: Nope.

SPARKS: So what did you based your arrest on?

SHERIFF: Oh, nothing much. When I caught Wey shortly after the robbery, his horse was breathing heavy and was all lathered up from galloping, something that is common when a desperado rides hell bent for breakfast to escape the scene of criminal wrongdoing.

SPARKS: Excuse me; have you been involved in a matter where there was a criminal act but no wrongdoing?

SIMS: (ignores Sparks) As I was about to say, next to Wey’s horse was an opened cash box labeled “Wheeler Stage Line”. Wey was busy stuffing his saddle bags with bank notes and gold from the cash box. Wey he was talking to himself saying “This is the easiest money I ever made!” When I disarmed him, his pistol was missing a bullet, smelled of spent gun powder and was still a little warm indicating it was recently fired. And as I testified earlier, Mr. Wheeler identified Wey as the man who robbed the stage and shot him.

SPARKS: So Mr. Wheeler supposedly told you that Mr. Wey allegedly committed these acts?

SHERIFF: Didn’t I just say that? Are all you lawyers deaf?

SPARKS: But didn’t whoever robbed the stage shoot Mr. Wheeler in the jaw?

SHERIFF: Yes.

SPARKS: (coming to another “ah hah, j’accuse’ moment) Then how could he have told you that my client committed these acts? I remind you that you are under oath?

JUDGE: You bet he is!

SHERIFF: (looks a little annoyed at the Judge and Sparks, then smiles) He wrote it down on a piece of paper.

SPARKS: So he wrote it down?

SHERIFF: Here we go again, yes he wrote it down.

SPARKS: So what kind of piece of paper was it?

SHERIFF: I am glad you asked. It was Wey’s recent wanted poster for horse theft, cattle rustling and claim jumping. Wheeler pointed to the poster, took it off the wall and wrote “That’s him! He robbed my stage and shot me in the face.” He wrote it in his blood that spilled on the poster. You want to see it? (Pulls out bloodied, folded piece of paper)

SPARKS: (clears throat) No sir. One last question –

SHERIFF: Why do you lawyers always say that and then ask you a hundred more questions?

SPARKS: OBJECTION !

JUDGE: (as if awakened) On what grounds, Lawyer SPARKS?

SPARKS: Uhh, let’s see… oh yes, on the grounds that the witness is badgering the lawyer! I demand the Sheriff’s remarks be stricken and that he be held in contempt of court!

JUDGE: (to the transcriptionist) Did you already write that testimony down?

TRANSCRIPTIONIST: (nods head “yes”)

 JUDGE: Counselor, that testimony sticks – and I have a lot of contempt right now (stares menacingly at Sparks – slight pause) but not for Sheriff Sims. You follow?

SPARKS: Yes your honor.

JUDGE: Proceed.

SPARKS: (trying for another ah hah moment) Isn’t it true, Sheriff Sims that you are paid for your job?

SHERIFF: Uh-huh.

SPARKS: So you were paid to arrest my client!?

SHERIFF: I knew there would be more than one question. Look here, I would have done this for free.

SPARKS: Again your honor, I OBJECT! This paid thug with a badge is insulting me, the administration of justice and the integrity of the legal system!

JUDGE: Well, on behalf of the legal system I have this to say, counsel– SHUT UP.

SPARKS: Thank you your honor. (sits down)

JUDGE: You are excused Sheriff. (Sheriff gets up from stand and sits at the prosecution’s table.)Next witness Mr. Trevitt.

TREVITT: The State calls Mr. Henry Wheeler.

(Wheeler, who is wearing a bloodied bandage around his head gets up from the audience or from outside – walks to the witness stand to the Bailiff)

BAILIFF: Place your right hand on the Bible, and raise your left hand. Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the, uhh – oh no not again. Uhhhhh … alright, do you promise not to lie to me and the Judge?

WHEELER: Mmmmmmm. (shakes head yes – sits in witness stand)

TRANSCRIPTIONIST: I am sorry; I didn’t get that – could you repeat that?

WHEELER: Mmmmmmm. (shakes head yes).

TRANSCRIPTIONIST: Thank you.

TREVITT: Is your name Henry H. Wheeler?

WHEELER: Mmmmmmm. (shakes head yes)

TREVITT: Are you the owner and operator of the Wheeler Stage Line?

WHEELER: Mmmmmmm. (shakes head yes).

TREVITT: Mr. Wheeler, could you relate to Judge Humason yesterday’s events?

SPARKS: Objection! The Prosecutor is leading the witness!

JUDGE: Sir, how in heaven’s name was that query leading?

SPARKS: It could lead to my client’s guilt (looks at Wey) Oops – it could lead to a finding my client is responsible for breaking the law.

JUDGE: Overruled. Proceed Mr. Prosecutor.

TREVITT: Mr. Wheeler, again, please relate to the Court what happened yesterday morning.

WHEELER: Hmm – mm. Wmm imm wmm ammm thmm rmmms (pantomimes holding the reins of the stage team), Hmm drmm gulmmm imm thmmm the cmmnyn (excitedly – points to Wey). THNNN THNN THMM BMMSTMMRD PUMM OWMMM HMM REMMMVMMLMVMMMR mmmm mmm mm mm (pantomimes Wey holding a pistol) nnn mm mm (raises both arm as if he was being held up) Umm hmmm hm hm hm (points fingers as a pistol) mmm hmmm hmmm mm mm, hmm mm mm, uummm ummm (lowers thumb like it is the pistol’s hammer) HMMM HMMM (again points to Wey) MM MM, ANN HMMM HMM (slaps hands together or on the bench in front of him) Hmmm mm ann amm. (Points to jaw and jerks head back as if shot– slaps his injured jaw, then reacts in great pain). MMM MMM IMM! Mmmm mm (points to Wey again – slaps hand in a horizontal position as if indicating “skeedaddling”). Hmmm lmmm mm fmmm dmmm. Mmmm lvmmm smmmm ommmm ahhh hmmmm!

TREVITT: You don’t say! Your witness counsel.

SPARKS: (approaches the witness) Now Mr. Wheeler, was my client, - no strike that – was the man you have accused of robbing the stage and shooting you wearing a bandana across his face?

WHEELER: Ymm mmm. (nods yes)

SPARKS: Well then how could you see it was my client?

WHEELER: Wmmm, immm wmm lmm thmmm. (takes his own bandana and ties it across his face – points to Wey) Ymmm cmmmmlt thnnn blmmm imm it up shmmm hmmm fmmmss.

SPARKS: (confused) Hmmmm hmmmm frmmm mmmm?

WHEELER: (nodding head while speaks) Umm hummmm.

SPARKS: Thank ymmmm. That is all I have.

JUDGE: Thank you Mr. Wheeler. You may step down. Next witness, Prosecutor.

TREVITT: The State calls Miss Eliza Grant.

GRANT: (approaches the witness stand. She is a lady of the evening and is dressed provocatively and reeks of cheap perfume and is heavily made up)

BAILIFF: (entranced) Could you, no would you place your right hand on the Bible. (Grant puts her hands over his and smiles – Bailiff becomes embarrassed) – Uhhh, no, on the Bible please. Now, raise you left hand. (she does so but provocatively) Will you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

GRANT: Anything for you, handsome.

BAILIFF: (smitten and flustered) Oh please take the stand.

GRANT: Of course, but before that (she turns to look at the counsel tables), hello Mr. Trevitt, it’s been too long since I have seen you last. How is the missus (she winks)? Mr. Sparks, I have not had the pleasure of, ahem, meeting you but we should get together soon – and I see you are with a frequent friend of mine, Barry Wey.

JUDGE: Please take the witness stand Eliza.

GRANT: Anything you say Judge, anything (winks). You know I voted for you in the last election?

JUDGE: Madam, I appreciate your sentiment and support, but if you say that again under oath I will have to instruct the bailiff to place you under arrest for voting fraud – we all know that women are not allowed to vote.

GRANT: Your honor you know I have the shine – I can see things that will happen in the future – and women will get the right to vote.

JUDGE: Right, I believe that when we have an Irish catholic or a black man in the White House.

GRANT: Oh, I can see you have the shine, too. Why don’t we meet this Saturday night and discuss our mutual gifts.

JUDGE: Miss Grant, I am well aware of your gifts but I am afraid I must stop our colloquy. You now have to respond to the attorney’s questions.

GRANT: I would be happy to assist these two handsome gentlemen.

TREVITT: Your honor, may I approach the witness?

JUDGE: I have the feeling you’ve done that previously.

GRANT: I’ll say.

JUDGE: Please proceed.

TREVITT: Is your name Eliza Grant?

GRANT: Yes it is.

TREVITT: And where do you live?

GRANT: I have rooms on the second floor of Chinatown Crystal Palace House, but you know that.

TREVITT: And what do you do for a living?

GRANT: The entertainment and pleasant diversion of gentlemen. To pursue my vocation, my business is open every evening, including holidays.

TREVITT: Do you know the defendant, Barry Wey?

GRANT: We have been intimate friends.

TREVITT: When did you last see Mr. Wey?

GRANT: Is today Sunday?

SPARKS: (stands) OBJECTION !

JUDGE: What now? (puts hand on pistol grip and raises it or visibly on the knife handle) What is the basis for your objection, counsel?

SPARKS: Your honor, it is clear that the witness is leading the attorney!

JUDGE: The witness is asking a leading question of the attorney? That’s unique and creative but it is entirely without precedent and reason. You are extremely overruled. Proceed Mr. Prosecutor.

TREVITT: Madam today is Sunday the 20 th day of September, 1859.

GRANT: You are always the gentleman - and quite a generous one at that. Well if that is today, then I saw him the Thursday preceding today.

TREVITT: Did he mention anything to you about the Wheeler Stage Line that evening?

GRANT: Why yes.

TREVITT: What did he say?

GRANT: He said something about the stopping the stage at some dry gulch along its route, making the easiest money he would ever make, and as I remember, not letting any adversity or witnesses stop him from this task. That’s Mr. Wey; he’s so dedicated to his career.

TREVITT: Thank you Miss Grant, and thank you, your honor. Your witness, Mr. SPARKS. (goes to his table and sits).

SPARKS: Miss Grant, about your ‘vocation’, if I understand this correctly, you provide entertainment and diversion to gentlemen, which I believe are your words?

GRANT: I said that.

SPARKS: And this, of course, a commercial enterprise?

GRANT: Yes, and I am licensed with the state of Oregon, possess a current business permit from Dalles City and am a member of the local chamber of commerce.

SPARKS: Your honor, I am going to have to object to the testimony of this witness and ask that it be stricken in its entirety. I am outraged this woman placed her hand on the Bible and swore before our Creator and this court that she would tell the truth. It is clear, Judge Humason, that Ms. Grant is nothing more than a common doxy!

GRANT: I am not common!

JUDGE: Now hold on, what is she again, lawyer Sparks?

SPARKS: Your honor, a doxy is a floozy, a bawd, a tramp, a tart, a strumpet, a follower of mining camps!

JUDGE: Did you eat a thesaurus for breakfast counsel? Why don’t you ask her?

TREVITT: (stands) Your honor, I object!

JUDGE: To what Mr. Trevitt?

TREVITT: To his objection!

JUDGE: And the basis of this objection to the objection?

TREVITT: Her testimony is admissible – I invoke a time worn Latin legal maxim: In re lupanari, testes luparanes admittentur.

(The Transcriptionist has to cross out a portion of the transcript and generally looks perplexed)

JUDGE and SPARKS: What??

TREVITT: Loosely translated it means, in matters concerning houses of ill fame, courtesans are admitted to testify.

JUDGE: Thank you for the educational portion of this proceeding Mr. Trevitt. Mr. Sparks, do you have a response?

SPARKS: I have none, your honor, and frankly I am totally stupefied.

JUDGE: Rather than have to take a crash course in Latin, I will allow Miss Grant’s testimony. Proceed Mr. Sparks.

SPARKS: Miss Grant, isn’t it true that you are just a working girl?

GRANT: I’d say … and it’s back breaking work.

SPARKS: So you are nothing more than a business establishment?

GRANT: Why yes … and right now business is good. But like so many others, it has its ups and down.

SPARKS: Now, Miss Grant, let us return to the evening in question to your leased den of iniquity at Chinatown Crystal Palace. Now at what time that evening were you in the presence of my client, Mr. Wey?

GRANT: Let me check my appointment book (pulls a small paper booklet from her purse, fans through the pages) Oh yes, here he is, last Wednesday between my 8:00 appointment with the mayor and 10:00 with Senator Blake.

SPARKS: (goes back to table, and Wey whispers in his ear. Sparks returns) Now isn’t it true your rooms are directly above that hotel’s dining hall and saloon?

GRANT: Yes they are Mr. Sparks.

SPARKS: And isn’t it also true that at the time you allegedly met with Mr. Wey, both the dining room and saloon would have been at full capacity?

GRANT: That is true.

SPARKS: And that you could hear everything that was going on downstairs?

GRANT: That is true.

SPARKS: Then how could you have heard him say anything at all?

GRANT: Mr. Sparks, we were situated very close to one another (smiles) so I could hear him, although it did sound like he was whispering – he was winded at the time.

WEY: (stands) NOW I OBJECT!

JUDGE: (stands and lifts pistol) WAIT A DARN MINUTE YOU. YOU’RE OVERRULED SO SIT DOWN. Bailiff, you will assist defendant Wey to sit down and if he resists, shackle him to his chair and gag him. (Bailiff moves towards Wey and Wey sits quickly). Proceed with your cross examination, Mr. Sparks.

SPARKS: Miss Grant, pray answer me this – why on God’s green earth would my client tell the likes of you that he planned to rob the Wheeler stage and shoot the driver?

GRANT: Sir, Mr. Wey and I were close and he felt comfortable talking to me – well that and he was drunk or how would you put it, oh yes he was blotto, boozed up, feeling no pain, fuddled, glazed, juiced, laced, liquored up, lit, madidus, muddled, pickled, stewed, tanked, three sheets to the wind, under the influence and under the table, wasted and seeing double.

SPARKS: So, he was so intoxicated he was incontinent mentos when he supposedly said this! (looks at Trevitt) I took Latin too, so there!

JUDGE: In compos what?

SPARKS: Latin your honor - he was not of his own mind.

JUDGE: I am beginning to know how he felt. Mr. Sparks, Mr. Trevitt, please both proceed – but in English.

SPARKS: (feigned outrage) Rather than proceed with my inquiry to this trollop, I will terminate my examination of this painted creature!

GRANT: (stands but before she leaves she looks at Sparks) Now I hope we can still be friends, Lawyer Sparks I have a cancellation this Tuesday at 7:30 and so I can fit you in (author’s note – I could have added “that slot” but I have thought the better of it – as she passes the defense table she drops her handkerchief and grins at Sparks)

JUDGE: Mr. Trevitt, who is the State’s next witness?

DAROW: I call upon the Reverend William Tenney, pastor of the new Congregational Church.

(Tenney comes up to Bailiff who puts out his Bible)

BAILIFF: Do you promise to tell the truth.

TENNEY: I shall burn in the very bowels of Hell if I do not.

BAILIFF: That was real good – please sit. (Bailiff leaves, Tenney sits)

TREVITT: Please state your name for the record.

TENNEY: I am the Right Rev. William Tenney founder and pastor at the new Congregational Church.

TREVITT: And when did you bring the word of the Lord to our fair community?

TENNEY: Not very long ago. We came over from the east in our wagon to tend to God’s flock in this wild territory. We were not starry eyed dreamers however. When Abigail and I came up the river on the steamer on April First we were warned! The captain of the Hassalo told us that in Dalles City we would find "a hard set of Christians"!

TREVITT: But what can you tell us about THIS hardest of Christians? (points at Wey)

REV. TENNEY: He is the most lost of any sheep in the flock of the Most Holy One. Why, this very morning we met for Sabbath service in this very room. Your honor, I was presiding at the lectern (points) directly above the jail cells. See how the green lumber used for floors (taps the floor with his foot) has shrunk? Through those cracks in the floor come vermin and odors and profanity! We were singing the hymn:

A charge to keep I have,
A God to glorify,
A never-dying soul to save,
And fit it for the sky.

That was when I distinctly heard, rising up from the odoriferous nether-regions, THESE words:

I robbed the Wheeler stage,
Took all its gold and ran,
Easiest money I ever made,
But the Sheriff foiled my plan!

TREVITT: And who, sir, was the singer of this blasphemous ditty?

TENNEY: None other than the defendant there!

TREVITT: Thank you Rev. Tenney. Your witness Mr. Sparks.

SPARKS: Righteous Reverend, you have said that it was your opinion that the person who sang that ditty was Mr. Wey. But you did not see him sing it, did you?

TENNEY: No, I did not.

SPARKS: Then how in all that is holy could you say under oath that he was the man who inculpated himself for these crimes against man?

TENNEY: Previous to any service here, I always go to the jail to tend to the spiritual needs of those there.

PARKS: All well and good but what does this have to do with anything?

TENNEY: He is the only one in the jail, sir.

SPARKS: (flustered from having stepped into it again) Or so you say. I have no more use for this alleged man of the cloth!

JUDGE: Do you have any rebuttal Mr. Trevitt?

TREVITT: No your honor. Additionally, I have no further witnesses. The Prosecution rests. (Tenney leaves the stand)

JUDGE: Mr. Sparks, it is now your turn. Do you wish to make an opening statement?

SPARKS: Your Honor, in the interests of saving time the defendant waives his right to make an opening statement and will get to the merits of his case.

JUDGE: Pity. Alright, call your first witness counsel.

SPARKS: The defense calls defendant Barry Wey to the stand.

 

(Wey rises, walks up next to witness stand, stops and faces Bailiff who is standing holding the Bible. Wey places his right hand on the Bible and raises his left hand)

BAILIFF: I know you’ve done this before, Barry. Your Honor do I have to go any further. We know this won’t work with the likes of him.

JUDGE: We are going to have to go through the motions at least. Swear the witness in.

BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

WEY: No problem – I swear all the time.

BAILIFF: Sit down.

SPARKS: (stands and walks to the witness stand) Please state your name.

WEY: Barry Wey.

SPARKS: Where do you live, sir?

WEY: Here in Dalles City.

SPARKS: And where is your abode, sir?

WEY: My what?

SPARKS: Your home; your domicile, dwelling, residence, where you hang your hat,

JUDGE: Mr. Sparks, now it is my turn to object. We are all very impressed with the breadth of your vocabulary but we have been through this before. Please try to use one word in the future. Mr. Wey, please answer the question if you can.

WEY: I live at no place in particular. Sometimes at a friend’s, sometimes at the stable, sometimes I sleep on the boardwalk or spend short periods at the Chinatown Crystal Palace. A lot of times you can find me shacked up at a cave outside of town.

SPARKS: Mr. Wey, you have heard the previous testimony about your alleged involvement in the robbery of the Wheeler Stage Line yesterday and the purported shooting of Mr. Wheeler. Do you any reactions to these accusations?

WEY: Oh sure. I was never there and I did not shoot Wheeler.

SPARKS: Pray, why not?

WEY: After church I escorted my mother to her house and we had morning tea together followed by my helping her quilt. Then we sang spirituals and I played the organ.

SPARKS: Anything else?

WEY: I did not shoot Wheeler. I know for a fact from experience that if I shot a man in the face at point blank range, I would have killed him for sure.

SPARKS: Thank you. Your witness Mr. Trevitt. (Sparks walks back to his table and sits. Trevitt rises and walks to the witness stand

TREVITT: You just testified under oath that your name is Barry Wey. Isn’t it true, sir that you were given the Christian name James Berriway at you baptism?

WEY: Now that you bring that up, you’re right. Guess I forgot.

TREVITT: Forgot? Or did your mother have the clairvoyance to bestow upon you an alias so early in life for use in future years for your expected vocation of high larceny, violence and degenerate behavior?

WEY: I don’t know – ask her.

TREVITT: I would but there is the slight problem. She has been dead these past 5 years and residing at the Pioneer Cemetery.

WEY: Mom is dead?

TREVITT: As a doornail.

WEY: Gee, I didn’t know she was sick.

TREVITT: Now, Sheriff Sims testified he saw you shortly after the robbery stuffing your saddlebags with the fruits of your criminal behavior and relieved you of your recently fired Remington revolver. What do you have to say?

WEY: It was a Colt – I have never used a Remington.

TREVITT: Anything else?

WEY: Yeah. He lied about everything.

TREVITT: A sworn officer of the law perjured himself under oath?

WEY: Uh huh. Sheriffs lie all the time. For instance, they said I had robbed a bank in Dodge, rustled cattle in Wyoming, and stole horses and sheep out of Texas and that I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, later jumped bail and headed here to the Oregon territories.

TREVITT: But you were convicted of those crimes were you not, along with other felonies starting when you were a boy of eleven.

WEY: That just shows how good they are.

TREVITT: Then how do you explain the testimony of the victim, Mr. Wheeler, who clearly said you were at the scene of the robbery and not only stole cash and precious gold, but also shot him in the face!

WEY: I told you I didn’t rob the stage…. And about the shooting, which I didn’t do, it was only a misfire. Yeah, that’s it.

TREVITT: What about the testimony of your paramour, Miss Grant?

WEY: She knows a lot of men – she probably mistook me for another of her clients.

TREVITT: And Reverend Tenney too?

WEY: I realize that one sounds like a stretch, but, well yeah, I guess he did, yeah

TREVITT: So all four witnesses were either lying or mistakenly identified you? And you are asking the Court to believe you only as you have no witnesses to back up your story?

WEY: I know it looks bad but that’s my story.

TREVITT: Do you have anything else you want to tell the Court to explain your innocence:

WEY: Well let’s see – oh yeah. I suffered a blow to the head from an abusive parent and as a result I couldn’t do well at school and wasn’t able to be admitted to the seminary and later find gainful employment. Uh, I have blackouts, multiple personalities and severe mental insanity. I am a victim of a poor upbringing, awful economy, and inherited a proclivity for law breaking from my daddy’s side of the family. I saw another man do it – a one armed man. I have a problem with blood sugar, suffered a black out and have very low self esteem. That should about do it.

TREVITT: You forgot the one about your dog eating your homework.

WEY: Oh that never happened – I shot the dog.

TREVITT: Sir, and I use that term loosely, in light of your criminal acts, your obvious lack of remorse and lying here in court, I have only one more question – have you no shame, sir?

WEY: What’s that?

TREVITT: I have no more questions. (walks back to table and sits. High fives with the Sheriff.

JUDGE: Do you have any redirect examination, Mr. Sparks?

SPARKS: I wouldn’t dare.

JUDGE: Mr. Wey, you may return to your table. I am asking, however, that the Sheriff and Bailiff stick around for awhile. Now, Mr. Trevitt, would you give your closing statement?

TREVITT: Yes your Honor. (gives one minute closing argument –script is on the way

JUDGE: Mr. Sparks, it is your turn to make a closing statement. To prevent your loss of breath and our patience, make it short.

SPARKS: Thank you. (gives one minute closing argument –script is on the way)

JUDGE: Thank you gentlemen. Now comes the time when I must determine the guilt or innocence of Mr. Wey. This is a grave matter considering he will either walk free or be hung based on the evidence. I have given this much careful deliberation, and so I have decided to ask those present to decide this important matter, and that includes the people on the other side of the bar, the audience. So folks, all of you who think this man is as guilty as hell, please raise your right hands. (Every oneof the court personnel, Sparks and the Sheriff raises their right hand. Wey looks at all the hands starts to raise his hand and Sparks slaps it down. ) Please put your arms down. Now, can anyone here believe this man is innocent raise your right hand. (Sparks and Wey raise their hands)

(If the majority votes for innocence the Judge will say the following, the Judge says the following:

JUDGE: The innocents have it. Well I have one word for you – OBJECTION. I am making a judgment notwithstanding the audience’s verdict.

(If the audience convicts Wey, the Judge says the following) :

JUDGE: Good, you have been paying attention.)

JUDGE: Mr. Wey do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?

WEY: Mommy.

JUDGE: Well put. Mr. Wey, this Court must now decide whether to place you in prison for up to fifty years or to order you be hanged by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead. This is the most onerous decision a judge can make – either life or death. And because of the gravity of this matter, I will use my silver dollar. (stands, reaches into his pocket and pulls out the coin) Mr. Wey so there can be no questioning that this being a fair proceeding; you may call it, heads or tails?

WEY: Uh, heads your Honor (Judge flips the coin.)

(If tails, the judge says the following)

JUDGE: (smiles) Tails – Lady Luck says you’ll swing. You have a date to a neck tie party for this sun down, and none too soon.

WEY: But Judge, you can’t hang me.

JUDGE: We can’t hang you? Hmm, it looks pretty easy to me – we have this noose here (raises noose) and we can use one of those trees out on the lawn. No, I think we will have no problems hanging you.

(If the coin is heads, the Judge says the following:

JUDGE: (shakes head in frustration) Drat. Well, this Court is a Court of its word. You have been spared the noose. As to your incarceration, I find you deserve the maximum punishment of 50 years of hard labor. I guess you should consider yourself lucky.

WEY: But your honor, I can’t do fifty years – I can’t serve that, I’ll die in prison.

JUDGE: Well boy, just do as many as you can. This Court has pronounced sentence on the outlaw Barry Wey. Sheriff, please take this man into your custody. Mr. Bailiff, do we have any other matters?

BAILIFF: No your Honor.

JUDGE: Then we are adjourned. (bangs gavel)

BAILIFF: ALL RISE. (Judge stands, picks up pistol and knife and leaves. Enter Narrator)

NARRATOR: And so ends the story of the infamous desperado, Berry Wey, found guilty from a combination of his total lack of skill as an outlaw and the marvel that is our criminal justice system. Good afternoon and good bye.